Top 50 JAzz Blog

Friday, May 3, 2013

Miles, Bird, Armstrong Simulacrum Kits

The marketing orgy at Brilliant Corners Merch, Inc. marches on!
Inspired by the Thelonius Monk Round Midnight watch, we provided SimulacrumKits@ for Louis Armstrong and Charley Parker (see below). Once more, we have forged an unholy metaheuristic liaison, this time with a coven of disaffected Tampa Bay cheerleaders and created The Deluxe Miles Davis Simulacrum Kit. As with all our kits, it allows you to really "get next" this greatest of jazz improvisers. It includes:
1. Discarded Harmon mute stems (8)
2. Alimony check receipts (too many to count)
3. Harem pants (assorted colors)
4. Two roaches from Ferrari 275 ashtray (Davis ownership certified by Price Waterhouse)
5. 1944 Julliard Conservatory of Music freshman beanie
6. 1954 mash note from Bob Weinstock
7. Kind of Blue limited edition totebag
If the Davis Estate lawyers come  a-knockin', we're readin to start rockin'!

Last summer, inspired by the alliance between Sony and the Miles Davis estate which offered a mouthpiece replica, t-shirts and other fascinating items, we created our own Louis Armstrong Simulacrum Kit. And, we couldn't keep 'em in stock!

Always eager to cater to the whims of the insatiable jazz consumer, we have forged a metaheuristic liaison with a clutch of Ukranian businessmen and created The Deluxe Charlie Parker Simulacrum Kit. It includes:
  1. A dental x-ray showing Bird's "upper partials."  
  2. A yardbird wing from 1941, preserved in formaldehyde and the wheel from the band bus that probably crushed it.
  3. A bottle of Gordon's gin salvaged from the wreckage of the old Birdland, with a letter of provenance from Willy's Liquor Store on 44th St.
  4. An early brochure from the Camarillo Chamber of Commerce
  5. A box of Dean Benedetti out-takes (so unlistenable that even Ross Russell wouldn't release them, but still...)
  6. One oboe reed with a imbedded Mitch Miller moustache hair.

And, for the first 20 buyers, we will throw in shards from the cymbal thrown by Jo Jones in the infamous jam session incident (verification pending).

So act now. Our 'operators' are standing by.
And, as we always say, "it's not re-animation, but it's pretty damn close."

Some have castigated the recent alliance between Sony and the Miles Davis estate which offers "A mouthpiece replica of exactly the 'Gustat' Heim 2 model used by Davis especially created by Kanstul," t-shirts and other fascinating items. They even throw in 43 cd's. In fact, those corporate giants don't go nearly far enough in offering a package that can truly bring fans closer to their favorite artists. We have therefore forged a metaheuristic liaison with several Baltic-area businessmen and are delighted to offer the Deluxe Louis Armstrong Simulacrum Kit, composed of:
  1. A copy of the gun Armstrong shot off to get sent to the Colored Waif's Home for Boys.
  2. A facsimile of the original sisal belt Armstrong used to hold up his pants while delivering coal.
  3. A lump of coal.
  4. Two half-used packages of Swiss Kriss.
  5. A set of 10 designer "do-rags" created in honor of Satchmo's 100th anniversary.
  6. An "I Hate Bebop" pin, allegedly worn by Armstrong at an Elks Club meeting in Sept. 1952.
  7. A glassene envelope containing a half ounce of muggles that Armstrong forgot he even had.
Act today and we will throw in a re-engineered recording of Armstrong's solos with the King Oliver band, with the rest of that rickety group stripped off and replaced by the same excellent studio musicians Clint Eastwood used to replace Potter, Roach and Haig in the movie "Bird."  Act now. Our 'operators' are standing by. It's not re-animation, but it's pretty damn close.


CrocodileChuck said...

Miles hated weed-he said so in in his autobiography. Where's the Bolivian Marching Powder!

Steve Provizer said...

Yea, he said it and it may be true and they couldn't make it stick, but they did bust him after they found pot in his Ferrari. That said, I could have definitely thrown in a reference to BMP!

rvacca said...

Steve, I'd like to work out a cross-marketing deal to sell these Simulacrums on, but I'd need a Boston-specific item or two to make it work. A Baron Hugo Dance Band Simulacrum? How about a Berklee Student Simulacrum? Perfect for the graduating senior or alumna on your gift list. We should talk.

Steve Provizer said...

Finally, a decent cross-promo/platform/monetization scheme. Fortunately, I have gained access to the Baron Hugo Codex (Edition four, mind you) and should have no trouble "getting the goods," as we say in the simulacrum business.

Brewsk Litovsk said...

Where's the lost (then found in a Bostonian attic ...true!) Edison cylinder with Buddy Bolden from 1897?

Steve Provizer said...

We will be installing that behind bullet-proof glass at the SImulacrum Museum. Only trumpet players will get access.

Brewsk Litovsk said...

Yeah, Steve!

That's the spirit!

By the way: When I was under way as the parody of an Italian jazz historian, and hobby bugler, the infamous, merciless Dottore Brunello Leggero, I loaded a YouTube video with the original transcription of that trumpet solo.

Guess, what tune Buddy blew?

It was "Put Your Little Foot Right Out". The transcription of "Il Dottore" inspired Miles Davis to do the "Fran-Dance" (1958). Also true! Just a moment, eh, momento, where is this file? ... Ahh, it's in the attic... ;)

Well, okayie, will search for it later, and load it up again.

Mille gracie, and regards from Milano, Italy.

Ed Leimbacher said...

Say, man... any chance you can speed up (re)production of those no-limitation Ed. facsimulacra cylinders? I can't hold my breath much longer.

By the way, if you need 'em for any future kits, I can loan you a never-used Ducal A-train transfer; a rare Diz decoder ring; or the real prize, my flood-dampened, slightly moldy, mock-Marsalis coat-of-arms.

Steve Provizer said...

Brew and Ed, Jazz simulacra collecting, as you know, is a cruel mistress. We are cranking this stuff out as fast as we can, but demand far exceeds supply, so I will just have to counsel patience.

rob chalfen said...

pretty funny... not to reign on your charade, but Pops recorded only one (1) solo w Oliver CJB (Chimes Blues) and it's written out!

Steve Provizer said...

Prof. Chalfen strikes again...