"Operators" Are Standing By-by Steve Provizer

Some have castigated the recent alliance between Sony and the Miles Davis estate which offers "A mouthpiece replica of exactly the 'Gustat' Heim 2 model used by Davis especially created by Kanstul," t-shirts and other fascinating items. They even throw in 43 cd's. In fact, those corporate giants don't go nearly far enough in offering a package that can truly bring fans closer to their favorite artists. I have therefore forged a metaheuristic liaison with certain Ukranian businessmen and am delighted to be able to offer the Deluxe Louis Armstrong Simulacrum Kit, composed of:

1. A copy of the gun Armstrong shot off to get sent to the Colored Waif's Home for Boys.
2. A facsimile of the original sisal belt Armstrong used to hold up his pants while delivering coal.
3. A lump of coal.
4. Two half-used packages of Swiss Kriss.
5. A set of 10 designer "do-rags" created in honor of Satchmo's 100th anniversary.
6. An "I Hate Bebop" pin, allegedly worn by Armstrong at an Elks Club meeting in Sept. 1952.
7. A glassene envelope containing a half ounce of muggles that Armstrong forgot he even had.

Act today and we will throw in a re-engineered recording of Armstrong's solos with the King Oliver band, with the rest of that rickety group stripped off and replaced by the same excellent studio musicians Eastwood used to replace Potter, Roach and Haig in the movie "Bird." So act now. Our 'operators' are standing by. It's not re-animation, but it's pretty damn close.