Top 50 JAzz Blog

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Introducing the Secular Football League.

We all remember the struggle the new AFL had when it first tried to crack the National Football League monopoly-playing in baseball stadiums and college stadiums, etc. It was a real American success story: one flock of rich guys who, by throwing enough money into the hopper, convinced the other flock of rich guys to take them seriously.

Now it's our turn.

I know the odds are against us. Our pockets aren't deep. In fact, they're only pocket simulacra. Nonetheless, the rise of evangelism in professional football, along with the attendant cant and rhetoric about family values and god in general (plus another highly annoying half hour of ads stuck into the game), has inspired me to invite people LIKE YOURSELVES to put together a league that will blow the current bunch of pseudo-Jesuits out of the water.

Finally, after a strict 6-month regimen of Armagnac, Setlitz Powder and Ambien, we at The Institute are ready to make the announcement and open the process to YOU!

The following teams are, even now, being formed in the new, fabulous Secular Football League (SFL). Peruse the list and submit your own squad. We'll see that a publicly-financed stadium is built in your hometown tout de suite:

The Paducah Pagans
The Cambridge Sophists
The Aqaba Atheists
The Somerville Shamen
The Dracut Druids
The Newton Non-Newtonians
The Zagreb Zoroastrians
The Detroit Doveners
The Malibu Sufis
The Nome Gnostics
The Death Valley Taoists
The Akron Agnostics
The Brooklyn Buddhists
and, of course,
The San Antonio Sadhus

Each of these squads brings a mental toughness currently unknown in the NFL. I'd like to see those lummoxes do the Little Thunderbolt Pose at all, never mind naked in the Arctic.

You know you harbor a secret desire to own your own professional sports team. Now's your chance. It's up to you. You'll either end up canoodling with a cheerleader in the Skybox or rotting on your couch with a box of stale corn chex.

Act now and you get my personal guarantee: No "under god" in the Pledge of Allegiance*.

*Written by Christian Socialist Edward Bellamy; amended against his opposition "under the leadership of the American Legion and The Daughters of the American Revolution."