Friends, I have seen the error of my ways and apologize for the sarcastic tone of my recent post on the scientific link between sex and jazz. Looking back at my own experience dispassionately, I see there is in fact a clear link between people's sex lives and their musical taste. "Getz-Gilberto" is guaranteed to get anyone into your bed faster and more efficiently than, say, Black Flag. That is statistically indisputable. So, in the spirit of stretching this scientific inquiry to the breaking point, I have created "The Jazz Seduce-O-Meter"-JSOM-designed to help you maximize your musical dollar in order to fully leverage the sexiness of the jazz mystique. Your goal is to reach 10 points. Ten points guarantees results. Understand that each Jazz Seduce-O-Meter must be tailored to your specific demographic**. Here is the Boomer version (abridged): Bossa Nova: +4 Miles Davis Birth of the Cool: +3 Miles Davis Kind of Blue: +4 Miles Davis muted, playing ballads: +3 Any other Miles: -4 Sinatra w. Dorsey: +3 Sinatra w. Stordahl: +3
Sinatra w. Paul Anka: -10
Coltrane w. Johnny Hartman: +4
Coltrane Ballads: +3
Any other Coltrane: -5
Organ Trios: -2
ECM Records: +2
Bill Evans: +3
Anything "With Strings:" -1
Third Stream Music: +-0
Avant-garde jazz of any kind: -10
**Keep your eye on your demographic. A knowledgeable source sends this warning: Gilberto doesn't work with punker chicks - "what is this shit? I'm supposed to like this? or what?" Mix and match as much as you like, just stay away from the negative numbers and please! Avoid those screeching saxophones at all cost. Let us know whether the Jazz Seduce-O-Meter has worked for you! All we ask here at Seduction Central is that you not name your first born "Cannonball."
6 comments:
HAHAHAHA! Great piece.
Strictly for this purpose I'd put Sketches of Spain above Kind of Blue and Birth of the Cool.
For this and many other purposes I'd put Coltrane's Ballads over the Hartman record.
ECM is of course a great call. Even Afternoon of a Georgia Faun has its place, if the lass in question is psychotic.
Thanks-I agree about putting 'Sketches' over 'Birth,' but not 'Kind of.' Would call Ballads and Hartman-shall we say-neck and neck.
The management declines in perpetuity any legal liability inre applying Seduce-O-Meter technology to the psychotic.
DIck Vacca writes:
"The Seduce-O- Meter thing was very funny and for version 2 I'd add Chet Baker at about a +3, esp. if album artwork is available for viewing."
My response:
Thanks. Agreed, especially as Chet's androgynous-ness would probably work on both sexes.
> --Dick
"Winter Moon" with Art Pepper, and "You Must Believe In Spring", "Bill Evans with Symphony Orchestra", "Chet" (the 1959 LP), "Clifford Brown with Strings" (although both are partly quite dull in my opinion), "Ascenseur pour l'échafaud" (Frantic, 1958), "Miles '58" (the studio recordings with his new sextet), the slow numbers on "Everybody Digs Bill Evans", the whole "Explorations" LP --- All these I would rate +5 to +8 for making chicks fall for ... jazz ;)
Heh, what?! -- Isn't that what we want, that they'd love also our music?
Brew-Those are all sure-fire propositions. And, of course, it's a case of 'love me, love my music'-and vice versa.
I'd fail miserably and probably have an ultra low score were it not for the Anka indifference.
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