Monday, January 20, 2014

Oldham (Todd) In The Ozarks

"Or maybe your granny (great-granny?) was a weathered-but-gorgeous sharecropper, a Dust Bowl refugee in frayed frock and battered boots, only-wait! what if those boots were splattered with glitter?"
Sunday New York Times Style Magazine



                                         
"Damn heels." Granny was trying to weed the beans when one of our gopher holes intervened. "Pa, I told you to flush out those varmints and fill up the holes!"

"Be right with you, sweetie. Just trying to decide if these jeans ride too high in the crotch."

"Stop preening and get out here! God, my things are a mess. You'd think Gucci would find a way to dust-proof its purses."

"Stop frettin'. Next time I go to town I'll see what they have for clutches in Zeke's General Store."

"With that old nag laid up with the dropsy, it'll be a while before anyone gets back into town."

"Damn, that means we won't be able to pick up this month's Harper's Bazaar."

"Pooh. There's nothin' in there you can't see in Potato Grower's Weekly."

"Well, who's a little snippy? Just because that burlap frock of yours showed up in a J.C. Penney's ad."

"Like to know what Martha what's-her-name got for designing that."

"Honey, it'll be a hot day in I.J. Fox's mink storage vault the day she can slop 10 pigs and do what you do with a can of spam."

"You're sweet. Hand me that bucket of glitter, will you?

"Wait, you're not planning to...?"
"Yes I am, you old fuddy-duddy."

"But honey, a dozen designers slaved for months to achieve that shade of puce. And 6 Bangladeshis spent two weeks hand-applying 10 coats of lacquer to the vinyl. "

"I don't care, pa. It's mostly covered with cow manure anyway and I need a little sizzle in my life."

"But glitter? It's so--louche!"

"Just because nobody else in the dust bowl has done it before doesn't make it wrong."

"Oh, honey, that's why I married you. (That and your pa's shotgun). You always were out in front of the rest of the pack."

"Like to see those rubes next door try to measure up to our standards."

"Too late for that now. The sheriff took 'em away after they missed their sharecrop payment."

"I know. I offered to lend her my Chanel suit for the trip to Leavenworth, but she just gave me a blank look."

"Most of these Okies couldn't tell the difference between Prada and Pravda."

"That's a good one, pa, but let's get going. If we move fast, we can patch that hole in the ceiling with last week's Style section before the next tornado and still have time for that skin peel we promised each other."

"Honey, have I told you lately you're weathered but gorgeous?"

"Come on, lover. let's go take a hard look at the crotch on those jeans."


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