Stormy Daniels: Super-Heroine

Stormy Daniels: Space Force 

 

 

If you're basing a comic book and an animated cartoon series on a sex scandal, who are you gonna choose for your hero? Will it be the always frisky ex-Presidential contender Gary Hart? Jerry Falwell, Jr. and his ménage a trois? What about basing it on humiliated family values and abstinence crusader Representative Mark Souder? 

 

The eventual winner, it turns out, easily outpaces Hart, Falwell, Mills and their tawdry peccadilloes. For that heroine is none other than Stormy Daniels, adult film star and real-life antagonist of a man easily cast as evil overlord: D. Trump.

 

The publisher, TidalWave Comics, describes its brainchild Stormy Daniels: Space Force this way: “Captain Stormy Daniels commands the for-hire U.R.E. Helix, a United Republic of Earth starship.  Led by OrDon, a self-proclaimed “very stable genius” and Ruler for Infinity, the U.R.E. seeks to exploit the galaxy’s untapped riches with little regard for who – or what – is out there…Only Captain Daniels, her second-in-command, Dax, her droids, and the mysterious alien, Munch, can save us.”

 

Co-creator Stormy is excited: “What girl doesn't want to be a sexy comic book character?! I never thought in a million years this dream would come true much less that it would turn out so amazingly! I am so excited to share Space Force with everyone...and not just because it will piss off you-know-who!”

 

The question we must ask, however, is whether this will actually piss off you-know-who. History says otherwise. The entire sordid tale, one would have thought, might have been enough to penetrate the armor of Trump and his voters. The source of the $130,000 in hush money Daniels was paid by Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen is still not accounted for and may have come from the campaign fund. Trump and co. colluded with National Enquirer owner American Media to keep the story out of the media. A California judge ordered Trump to pay Daniels' legal fees as the prevailing party. None of this made a dent and the fact that Trump was an adulterer, of course, isn’t even an important part of the story. Oh Evangelists, where art thou?

 

We will see if Stormy Daniels: Space Force is a worthwhile scion of venerable adult comics by the likes of Ralph Bakshi, Larry Welz or R. Crumb. I have a feeling it’s likelier to be closer to Playboy magazine’s Little Annie Fanny and Penthouse 's Oh Wicked Wanda. Still, in an era where humor is circumscribed in the extreme, I welcome something with at least a whiff of transgression. And to be honest, I am curious about that mysterious alien, Munch.

Beware Social Distancing Offenders: the Oblivi-Ometer is Here!

At last-a new weapon in the war against the spread of COVID-19: the Oblivi-Ometer! This vital invention is guaranteed to give accurate readings of any citizen’s self-delusion/ego-driven resistance to recognizing the threat of a pandemic. And to do something about it!

Some elements of design remain classified, but we can reveal that the system was built utilizing loading coils in parallel with reruns of Meet The Press to analyze the size of inauguration crowds. The Oblivio-Meter can now penetrate even the thickest skulls and if the meter shows obliviousness readings above a certain level, a shock from Central Headquarters can be delivered, knocking some sense into the subject’s stupid cranium.

Don’t you just wish?

Pre-Election Tunes

Here's some of the music rattling around in my brain a week before the November 8, 2016 elections. What's in your brain?

Holographic Necrophilia

Very glad to see that the holographic techs and entrepreneurs have expanded the resurrection of dead musicians into more than just an audio experience. Now it's time to take it a step further and bring back those who've been paired in recordings to an audience hungry for the 3 (and soon to be 4)-D concert experience. 

These pairings, already put together for stage and records, are a no-brainer for on-stage holograms: Natalie with Nat., Celine Dion and Sinatra, Ol Blue Eyes and Hayley Reinhart, Lauren Hill and Bob Marley, Lisa-Marie and Elvis and, of course, Rod Stewart and Ella Fitzgerald, 

The real test for these holographic pioneers will be whether, instead of the usual bathetic, analog, two-dimensional pictures, they are ready to trot out Bob Marley, Lisa Marie and the rest not only as adults, but as cutie pie multi-dimensional three-year-olds and mischievous, precocious teens.

Yes, pairing Rod and Ella is like sinking a leaf blower engine into a Ferrari; like putting Twinkie creme filling into a Godiva chocolate; like putting Donald Trump's hair on Sophia Loren's head. It shouldn't even be conceived of.  It shouldn't be done. But it has been, and it will. 

                     

And remember, you holographic entrepreneurs: it was our idea to do this. Pay up, or the Institute will sic its phalanx of attorneys on you.

Duets With Dead People

                 

So glad to see that Rod Stewart and Ella Fitzgerald are finally getting together. They join a macabre crew that includes Celine Dion and Sinatra, Ol Blue Eyes and Hayley Reinhart(!), Lauren Hill and Bob Marley, Lisa-Marie and Elvis and, of course Natalie with Nat.

Since I'm always asking for too much anyway, how about a little less fame-by-association-mongering? 

Do we let the offspring-Lisa-Marie and Natalie-off the hook. Sorry. No. Trotting out your baby pictures and your less-compelling voices in public is an embarrassment, not a tribute to your dad.

And sticking copyright signs on the names of dead celebrities is no solution. It just means dealing with the copyright holder's phalanx of lawyers and not the estate's. Does anyone think that the corporation noted in my Trademarking Jazz post, CMG Worldwide, would have turned this down; even, as CMG says, to "maintain and develop a positive brand image"?

I have found previous ghoulish re-animation collaborations merely crude and unaesthetic, but to pair Rod and Ella is to sink a leaf blower engine in a Ferrari; to put Cool Whip in a Godiva chocolate; to put Donald Trump's hair on Sophia Loren's head. It shouldn't be done. It shouldn't even be conceived of.