Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Jazz Seduce-O-Meter (PG-17)-by Steve Provizer

Friends, I have seen the error of my ways and apologize for the sarcastic tone of my recent post on the scientific link between sex and jazz. Looking back at my own experience dispassionately, I see there is in fact a clear link between people's sex lives and their musical taste. "Getz-Gilberto" is guaranteed to get anyone into your bed faster and more efficiently than, say, Black Flag. That is statistically indisputable. So, in the spirit of stretching this scientific inquiry to the breaking point, I have created "The Jazz Seduce-O-Meter"-JSOM-designed to help you maximize your musical dollar in order to fully leverage the sexiness of the jazz mystique. Your goal is to reach 10 points. Ten points guarantees results. Understand that each Jazz Seduce-O-Meter must be tailored to your specific demographic**. Here is the Boomer version (abridged): Bossa Nova: +4 Miles Davis Birth of the Cool: +3 Miles Davis Kind of Blue: +4 Miles Davis muted, playing ballads: +3 Any other Miles: -4 Sinatra w. Dorsey: +3 Sinatra w. Stordahl: +3 Sinatra w. Paul Anka: -10 Coltrane w. Johnny Hartman: +4 Coltrane Ballads: +3 Any other Coltrane: -5 Organ Trios: -2 ECM Records: +2 Bill Evans: +3 Anything "With Strings:" -1 Third Stream Music: +-0 Avant-garde jazz of any kind: -10 **Keep your eye on your demographic. A knowledgeable source sends this warning: Gilberto doesn't work with punker chicks - "what is this shit? I'm supposed to like this? or what?" Mix and match as much as you like, just stay away from the negative numbers and please! Avoid those screeching saxophones at all cost. Let us know whether the Jazz Seduce-O-Meter has worked for you! All we ask here at Seduction Central is that you not name your first born "Cannonball."

Friday, July 23, 2010

All Hail the Jazz Super-Stud-by Steve Provizer

Lana and Artie
Pity the poor jazz musician. For about 75 years we were branded with a kind of anti-hero cultural status. To live up to that, we coughed up scores of booze-soaked and heroin-riddled deaths. Some-Artie Shaw, Harry James-were forced to march-step through scores of glamorous divorces. After that, the pressure eased off a bit. When people paid any attention at all, they saw us as only minor cultural anomalies, with a soupcon of romanticism; just enough to use in cigarette ads. Today, there's something new to deal with. A recent study says we're Kings of the Sexual Jungle. Actually, the study says King Stud would be an agnostic, butt-smoking, black, jewish, atheist jazz musician. But is that what people are seeing? No. They only see the jazz musician part. Quelle burden. Now, all those darlint servers are gonna be so distracted by our fauvist magnetism they will start spilling whiskey sours over the clientele right in the middle of our steamy renditions of Cherokee. I hope my fellow jazzers don't buy into the hype and start actually having more sex. Or worse still, playing more ballads. So please, out there in cyberspace, stop burdening us with the label of superstud. Wait. What's that you say? It's only jazz tweeters and jazz websites that are actually talking about this? Well, that's a relief. Then it's just wish-fulfillment; like that study due out soon about jazz musicians as big earners.
Dexter's Swingin' Lifestyle