Monday, June 10, 2013

Riff-Master 2000 App (NSA-Approved).

Hemingway-or Charlie Sheen
Ernest Hemingway Foundation, your efforts to rebrand the novelist's image have not gone unnoticed.  OK, so you got Ogilvy and Mather, a fancy-dancy Chicago public relations and advertising firm to take on the campaign pro bono (what better use of a fancy-dancy Chicago p.r. and ad firm's time?), but we at the Institute and our hard working cadre of unpaid interns have brought this idea to a new level by creating-with the help of our friends at the NSA-the Riff-Master 2000 App@



Riffmaster-2000 Magnified 2 Billion X
Here's how it works: Because of our relationship with insiders at the NSA, we are privy to, well, all the information there is. We analyze your phone records, your internet surfing records, your school records. We also talk to the priest who blessed you, the Imam who berated you and the Rabbi who circumcised you.
 
Then, we use our Juicy Logarithms@ and Jumbo Computers@ to cross reference this mountain, this Himalaya of information, with our musical data base.
                      
Put this together with a real-time log of your retinal movements and BOOM: The real sound track of your life. 

This is no one-size-fits-all-muzak-to-make-you-shop-faster-at-Walmart's, baby-This is putting your Prism dollars to work for YOU!

Ok, still not clear? Let me give an example. It's 8:00 AM. Our profile says you average 6.9 hours of sleep per night, with 3.1 average REM cycles and hungover 12.4% of the time. You score 72 on the Whipsnade Grogginess Scale, with sexual proclivities averaging 53 on the Mitchum-Loren Curve.Your playlist starts the first minute before you wake up with Dream, moves you seamlessly to A Day in The LifeNo Sleep Blues (depending), Best of the Strawberry Alarm Clock, Touch Me in the Morning, Monday, Monday (maybe)...


Anyway, you get the idea. It completely frees the RIff Lobe of your frontal cortex to perform more important chores, like remembering the name of that rhythm guitar player who so impressed you in a 1975 Meters concert; the kind of thing that would otherwise have woken you up in the middle of the night.

So, act now, before someone hacks into our data base. Oh, but with the NSA, that would be impossible. Ok, take your time. 


Available as a free download, or in the Premium Cortex Implantation version for $99.00 (subject to local taxes).
                                                     
The Institute and the NSA. Unbeatable.


2 comments:

Jonathan S. Scheuer said...

Approved!
JS

Steve Provizer said...

Sorry. I'm gonna have to see some I.D.