Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jazz Reality Shows


Director of Research
We in the off-brand musical world are tired of being ignored by the moguls who feed the bottomless American appetite for reality TV shows. Ever proactive, if not quite sane, the Institute staff has taken the bit between our canines, and moved our preliminary reality programming foray into high gear; all strictly high-end stuff, of course:
Clearly a Put-Up Job

Who Wants to Marry a Jazz Musician? Premise: A jazz musician masquerades as a normal person. A dozen blindfolded beauties are given a list of questions on which the jazz bachelor has been coached. Every time he reverts to type and says "man" or "dig" a small electric shock is delivered, bringing him back within the bounds of acceptable behavior. The jazz bachelor and the lovely winner win a case of valve oil and a trip to the Jazz Hall of Fame.*


Real Housewives of the Real Book. Premise: We give you an inside look at the lives of girfriends and wives whose jazz musician partners host a never-ending series of jam sessions peopled by Craiglist zombies. Episode One: Greta Semiquaver wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. Several hours later, she's discovered in a corner drooling and mumbling "Blue Bossa-please no more-Blue Bossa" over and over.


Look Carefully For Contestant
Alaska Gig Hunters. Premise: Danger and adventure beckon as recent Berklee graduates are given a motorcycle battery to power their amps, instructions on handling a dog sled and sent to Alaska to play on the streets of Anchorage. Busking champs get to sleep indoors (albeit with naught but method books on which to rest their weary heads). 
No one's First Choice




Trading Bass Players. Premise: One band has a bass player that can keep good time, another one has a bass player that plays in tune, a third deals coke-well, you get the picture.






Bix vs. Bop
Battle of the Network Moldy Figs. Premise: Proponents of traditional jazz and bebop fanatics are locked in a room with a pile of 78's by Bird, Danny Barker, Monk, Mezzrow, Dexter, Condon, etc. After each side is played, contestants down shots of slivovitz and arm wrestle. At the end of each episode, Ed McMahon is summoned by ouija board and hands the winner an ectoplasmic check for $5000 a week for the rest of his life.


The Dreaded Turnaround Centrifuge

II-V Bootcamp. Premise: In order to learn what it really means to play chord changes, a group of fresh-faced recruits undergoes a series of physical and mental challenges. They must survive the nauseating Turnaround Ccntrifuge,  the terrifying jaws of the Lick Eliminator and withstand the bone-crunching pressures of the Koko Krusher. Drill sargeants are instructed to withhold cork grease, valve and slide oil as punishments for the inappropriate use of upper partials. Survivors are guaranteed work as middle school music teachers.
Harold Always Gets the Solos

My Big Friggin' Wedding Band. Premise: As larger wedding bands are replaced by smaller bands, which are replaced by DJ's, which are replaced by iPods, there are almost no wedding jobs left in Gotham City. Harold Goniff has cornered the market for the few remaining gigs. Now, bandleader Harold is besieged by marauding gangs of out of work musicians. Harold must expand the size of his band or face the wrath of the gangs. Episode One: see how many musicians can fit on the stage of a VFW hall and how 15 musicians try to divide up 6 free plates of chicken a la king.

*I know. There is no Jazz Hall of Fame


Jazz on Television: Threat or Menace?


3 comments:

Vacca said...

Wait...there are middle schools hiring music teachers?

Steve Provizer said...

Not really. It was just a rhetorical flourish.

Gregg said...

Great stuff! That's getting shared.