So, my band is working toward the out-chorus of "All of Me," when this stocky guy with a crew cut comes up to the stage. He's a tough looking mug, wearing a blue drum major hat with "this space for rent" written on his forehead.
"Alright," he says to the drummer, "Put those sticks down. You've traded enough fours for tonight. And you with the bass-drop that bow. We take a dim view of excessive arco down at headquarters." Then, he takes a pad out of his pocket and starts writing out what looks like a ticket.
Joe, our bass player pipes up: "Hey man, who the hell are you?"
He finishes writing the ticket, tears it off the pad and says: "Who's the supposed leader of this clown posse?"
I step up, take the ticket and try to decipher it: "02? 03? What the hell does all this mean?"
"Key for the violation codes are on the back, Bozo. I'd advise you to commit them to memory," and with that, he turns on his flat feet and flees.
"Oh, one last thing," he yells from the back of the club, "Fines are doubled on New Year's Eve."
Sadist... Well, here are those Jazz Code Violations, revealed for the first time:
01-Tempo Violation: Going 150 beats per minute in a Ballad Zone.
02-Erroneous Genre Miscegenation-Attempting to merge incompatible musical styles.
03-Arrangement Creativity Deficit: Unimaginative, rote use of form [i.e., head, solo, solo, solo, repeat head].
04-Criminal Endings Abuse: Infinite drum rolls and aimless horn noodling over a protracted final chord.
05-Arco-philia: Overuse of the bowed bass to achieve a dramatic effect.
06-Vehicular Homicide: Inviting someone to sit in and then calling "Giant Steps" in Dflat.
07-Playing while intoxicated: [with Bird, Trane, Miles].
08-Inspection Violation: Un-emptied spit valve, squawky reed or rattling snare.
09-Faulty Instrumentation: [Overuse of the soprano sax].
10-Cheap Trick Abuse: Arbitrary application of odd meters in a 4/4 Zone.
Dum, da dum dum daaah. A Mark LXVIII Production.